This morning, I was walking my dog Rosco and we came across a heavy-duty paper plate, torn in half and obviously abandoned by some trash-picking raccoon. For some reason, Rosco decided that the larger piece of the plate (which was nearly as big as him, in all his 12-pound glory) was a real prize. So,…
Look, I may have plenty of negative qualities, but I’m no prude. I can trade insults with the best of them and swear like a sailor on shore leave. But call me crazy if I think it’s wrong for 6-year-olds to be doing the same. And that’s exactly what I heard as I passed the…
You never expect this kind of thing. Running, after all, is supposed to be GOOD for you. So, it never (or almost never) occurs to you that it could be dangerous. Okay, sure, there was that one time I fell like a clumsy oaf while running in the local park (I’ve still got the scar…
A couple of weeks ago, I (briefly) sat down with my dad to watch a little bit of a women’s basketball game. Don’t ask me what league it was or who was playing exactly. I have no idea. Basketball, to me, is about as thrilling as cleaning the toilet. Scratch that. Gimme the toilet. At…
Buddhists, New Agers, psychologists, health professionals—they all seem to spout the same advice: True happiness comes from living in the moment. The argument goes like this: If you’re stressing over the bills you have to pay, you’re living in the future (where nothing is guaranteed, so you might as well wait and see what happens).…
I’ve always been a loner. I’m okay with that. But recently, I’ve started to think the amount of time I spend alone verges on abnormal, and maybe it’s time to do something about it. Not that I haven’t tried. I mean, I was married, which is always a sign that a person is taking the…
I may be working too much these days. I caught myself thinking the other day that I could really go for a short stay in the hospital. Nothing life-threatening, mind you—maybe a gallbladder operation or something, where they’d have to keep me for a few days but I’d be just fine in the end. That’s…
It’s that time of year again—the mystical, magical month of May, when every overweight person in my town decides now is the time to “get in shape” and descends upon the high school track, conveniently located just across the street from my house. I greet the track walkers, as I call them, like the phenomenon…
I’ve got to ask: What is with all the gum, people? Lately, whenever I’m out walking my dog, Rosco, it takes every ounce of my concentration to keep vigilant and make sure he doesn’t step in a fresh pink or green wad that somebody has chosen to hawk onto the sidewalk. I mean, no joke.…
I don’t know if it’s the warmer weather or if somebody has put crazy juice in the water lately, but I’ve noticed some strange behavior—more than usual, and that’s really saying something! Take yesterday. While walking my dog Rosco past the local elementary school (which was off for spring break), I noticed an older lady…
I know this won’t be a popular sentiment, but I think it needs to be said, just to get it off my chest. So here goes: Springtime? Is the worst. Oh, sure, I get what other people like about it—all those pretty flowers blooming and the trees bursting back into life. Hell, the green grass…
I noticed something the other day—something I probably should have noticed years ago: My life pretty much revolves around food. I plan everything, schedule my entire day, around what I intend to eat. Today, for example, I knew I had a big lunch out with some friends on the calendar. So, instead of just making…
The sunshine is a liar. The buttery yellow glow, plus the knowledge that it’s now officially spring, by a couple of weeks, tells me to step outside after lunch for a walk. No coat needed, no gloves, no hat. I’m halfway down the block before I find myself regretting that. Still, the weather IS beautiful,…
Last week, I was talking about the woman who cleans our house and what an incredible luxury it is to have her. And it is—not only is our cleaning lady kind and generous, but she’s also the most thorough cleaner I’ve ever met. We used to have an antique hutch in our kitchen that weighed,…
My dad and I have a woman who comes over every 2 weeks to clean the house. It’s the greatest luxury in the world, no exceptions. I’ll take a sparkly shower that I didn’t have to scrub myself over a fancy bottle of champagne or lobster dinner any day. Whenever our cleaning lady is scheduled…